Weapons
by pompomwoop
Summary: Itachi takes himself too seriously – so much so that he has to drink to forget. Crack. ItaOro. Yaoi. Akatsuki. Oneshot.


**A/N:** I don't really know what this is. It's just plain, utter crack. Lots of innuendo and all that jazz. Enjoy~

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Weapons

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The mood was intoxicated in Amegakure's main tavern – no really it was, if the numerous bottles strewn over every surface were any indication. The criminals responsible for ordering – well, demanding more than anything, simply because Pain had the village eating out of his pierced hand – were all of the Akatsuki members at the bar. Some sat elegantly, namely the ones who held their alcohol well, while others might as well have been on the ground.

Such was the case for Zetsu.

Orochimaru had rambled on in a completely unnecessary explanation of how plants were not suited to consume alcohol. How he knew this was beyond everyone. Something about plants, alcohol and one hell of a night – not that anyone listened in particular, save for his stoic lover sitting next to him.

All that indicated Itachi was actually alive and not an inanimate object was his hand splayed against the bar. Every now and then, his fingers would twitch. He took himself too seriously to drink. It was as simple as that. If he did have one sip, he would be no better than Hidan who was swearing at Deidara, pausing every so often to take a swig of his beverage before trying to convert the artist to Jashin.

Kisame decided to make an appearance the moment Deidara bitch-slapped Hidan in lieu of his art.

"You're late." Pain beckoned Kisame over, sliding a bottle across the counter. "Where were you?"

"I was busy dealing with a client," Kisame explained with a grin, removing the cap of his drink. "You know how my 'thing' is. It takes a certain liking to people with unique chakras. I love that it's ribbed and becomes massively engorged."

Hidan laughed, slamming his fist against the counter. "Well, I'll be damned, Kisame," he said as he leaned forward, shooting the shark a sly grin. "Still, mine is probably more brutal. It's like taking three at a time."

"Stop exaggerating." Kakuzu cracked his bottle against his partner's skull, ignoring the pained yelp. "By the way, you still owe me money."

"Fuck you, Kakuzu. You're so full of shit. I've gotten you good plenty of times. I swear you're a whore, begging me to go deeper every time you masochistic fuck."

"Oh, I definitely need to see this," Orochimaru drawled as he, too, leaned forward against the counter, shooting hazy glances between the two – much to Itachi's growing displeasure. "How much for one night, Kakuzu?"

Against his will, Itachi's hand clenched into a fist.

"What about you, Sasori?" Kisame questioned curiously, nudging the redhead next to him.

"I am a puppet." In emphasis, Sasori drank from his bottle, conveying this as the alcohol leaked from the slats of his wooden body.

Deidara rolled his eyes at the display of eternal art, pressing, "But you still have one, right?"

"I no longer really use the one on my body when I have Hiruko." Sasori pointed to Hiruko in the corner. "Due to its thickness, I have to keep it well lubricated. It makes the penetration much more...potent."

Orochimaru chuckled, looking thoughtful. "Oh yes, I remember yours clearly. I was bedridden for days and I could not walk straight afterwards." His gold eyes shone as he recalled the memory. "Very potent indeed."

"Wow, really?" Deidara's eyes were wide saucers. "Damn, yeah, and here I thought mine was fucking artistic as hell when it explodes. It's like a white tsunami I swear."

"Well," Orochimaru began in his defense, "mine might not be so monstrous like Kisame's or as painful to endure as Hidan's but it's lovely all the same. Itachi-kun has seen it in action plenty of times. Isn't that right, Itachi-kun?"

Itachi pinned his lover with a hard stare. If looks could kill, Orochimaru would have been dead twice over – if he hadn't been so drunk.

"Ah, also mine has special properties." Orochimaru continued as if nothing was amiss. "When I'm particularly excited, it tends to extend. What I lack in the thickness department I make up for in control. I can control it without touching it, even when it's already inside someone. I can guarantee to make people scream with every thrust."

Kisame was grinning as he placed his elbow on the counter, staring down the line. "You need to show me sometime, Orochimaru."

"Likewise, Kisame," Orochimaru purred with a drunken wink. "I haven't had the pleasure of yours being used on me. I would very much like to experiment with yours."

"Experiment, hmm?" Kisame considered the preposition before widening his grin. "Well, I don't see why not – so long as you're gentle."

Deidara shivered. "Geez, you two make it sound so clean when it's gonna be bloody, yeah."

"Oh, it won't be dirty since it wouldn't be my first time," Orochimaru admitted, setting his drink down. "There won't be any blood."

Hidan released his usual insane laugh, smacking the counter as he tried to control himself. "Are you sure about that? As durable as you are, Kisame will rip you apart, Orochimaru."

"Perhaps that is a conversation best saved for another time." Orochimaru sent Kisame a significant look, biting his lip.

Kisame's teeth was equally sharp – if not actually sharper – than Orochimaru's, bared fully when he asked, "What about tonight? You don't have any plans, do you?"

It was the last straw for Itachi who slammed both hands on the counter, cracking it from sheer brute force. "As a matter of fact, Orochimaru does have plans," he informed Kisame icily, activating his Sharingan for threatening measure. "None of them involve sleeping with you, Kisame."

Dead silence filled the tavern. Everyone who was not part of Akatsuki scarpered, running for dear life.

After a moment, Konan, who had been silent throughout the entire exchange, coughed. She recovered first. "That was uncalled for."

"Itachi, you are so mean, yeah," Deidara commented uncomfortably with an uneasy laugh.

Regardless of how Itachi said it, his words were undeniably true. Why have Kisame – a fish out of all things – when there was an Uchiha? It's not as if Orochimaru abhorred him – the Sannin always pranced around, murmuring, 'I want your body, Itachi-kun.'

The man in question lifted a hand to Itachi's forehead, obviously fearing for his lover's state of mind when he whispered, "Itachi-kun, we were talking about weapons."

"I knew that," Itachi muttered in an attempt to detract away from his stupidity wrought by presumptuousness. He signalled the bartender for his first drink for the night. Hopefully everyone would be still too drunk come tomorrow morning. Well, at any rate, he would be.


End file.
